As our team prepares to venture to Haiti, we are spending a lot of time together studying God's word, learning about one another and training as much as we can for our trip. In our training this month, we spent time talking about conflict resolution. As you can imagine, Haiti is quite a different experience from our everyday lives here in the United States. It's the Caribbean, so it's hot and humid. It's a developing country, so it's very poor, the roads not smooth, the smell of burning garbage hangs in the air, people are everywhere, and malnourished kiddos beg at your side. For us marshmallow Americans it can be an assault on the senses and wearing to body, soul and mind. This stress makes us vulnerable to release the worst in us: a biting remark, withdrawal from our friends, dirty looks....all those things which cause interpersonal conflicts. SO, I thought it was important that our team talked about how to prevent and diffuse conflicts that might occur while on the trip.
We started with an honest conversation about what each of us needs when we are out of sorts. And it was different for almost everybody! When I'm grumpy, I talk about it (complain really). I'm the type that wears her heart on her sleeve (unless you've burned me before, then I clam up tighter than yoga pants.). And when I verbalize my discontent, what I need is a strong dose of empathy followed by humor. I also really like 'warm hugs' (Olaf). Knowing these things about each other, I hope, will help to avoid some conflict and also, allow us to give grace to one another by doing those things. Now here's the funny thing. Some of my team members need hugs and to talk through the stress, others need SPACE and sleep! I can think of a whole lot of hilarious scenarios when those two collide! Well, hilarious from a distance. I don't want to be anywhere near the situation when the person needing space gets a thirty second hug from the person who likes affection when stressed! And though we talked about those things, someone is bound to give an unwanted hug or snap at someone else. Conflict will still occur.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
When that happens we need grace or G.R.A.C.E., a nifty acronym I used to help us resolve conflicts. Here goes:
G for giving in. As Christ followers, I think we forget in our conflicts with others that the most important thing is not being right, but rather it's about love. We can take a cue from God on this point that though He is completely right about everything, He loved us and took away the conflict we have with Him through Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:18 & 19 uses the word 'reconcile' to describe what Christ did for us. God reconciled our relationship with him, "not counting men's sins against them.' Sin is "wrongdoing" and in the context of Christianity it is wrongdoing against God, and what keeps us from a relationship with Him. So when God 'reconciled' us, He didn't bother to make us get our act together before doing it. He didn't make us accountable to our sins then, before moving in love towards us. In fact, in another part of scripture (Romans 5) it says that "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." A very quoteable verse is John 3:16: "If God were so right that..." Wait, that's not how it goes? ;-) I think if God were concerned first and foremost with being right, then humanity's story would be quite different. In conflicts therefore, our aim in reconciling should be love first not being right. And sometimes that means letting it go, giving in and not getting justice.(Not a very human way of looking at things I suppose, especially us Judge Judy lovers.)
On the other hand, sometime's loving means R- resolving conflict quickly. If you can't let it go, confront with integrity and a desire to restore the relationship with the other person. Speak your hurt, but do so in love and be prepared to embrace and forgive (which, lets be honest is harder than confronting.)
A is for Aiding the other person. When someone else hurts me, my defense mechanism is to try to see things from their vantage point. So many times those that hurt others are those that have been hurt themselves, or are hurting currently. If you can pin point those things in their lives that are causing them stress and know a tangible way to make them feel better, then do it. (WARNING here: you cannot save or heal everybody's hurts. You also need to set appropriate boundaries for helping as some are not willing to change and some will not respond politely to your help.) On a trip setting like ours though, responding to an individual who is out of sorts in the manner they would like is a great way to aide that person.
C is for a committment to unity. This is a pretty self-explanatory attitude that is lived out practically by protecting the integrity of the group, not talking badly about each other, and generally doing those things listed prior.
E is for beginning and ending with prayer. My mum told me once you can't change others but you can change yourself. But you know who can change others? Yep that's right. God. So before you start talking to any one else about your issues with other people, you should talk to Him. Get wisdom, get perspective. Figure out if it's a let go kind of thing, or a confront kind of thing. And if it's a confront thing, when your done restoring the relationship, pray together. Seal the deal. Get closure.
All good for a team going to Haiti. Heck, all good for any time. In the end, I want to love Jesus more than I want to be right. Sometimes that means letting go of hurtful things others might do to me and it always means loving others no matter what. Matthew 5:43-44 has impacted me in a big way this week. "You have heard it was said, 'love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Though the above training was intended for a lesson in handling vulnerability to conflicts in a stressful situation (a mission trip), I think I learned that the lesson of grace extends much further into our lives, culminating at a place where, we no longer just love those who are easy to love but embrace the difficult task of loving when it's not due. Just don't hug the person who needs their space, ok?