Time Is In His Hands (And other things I can't see)

For us, church starts at 10:45AM. We have finally convinced our children to stay in bed until 7AM (a great accomplishment since they used to wake anywhere between 4:30 and 6:30, much to their parents complete misery). I know some of my friends would still cringe at their current wake up time but honestly it's perfect really for getting out the door for church (which, again, starts at 10:45). It's enough time for both parents to get showered and dressed with allowance for 18 billion interruptions to quell arguments over who had that piece of paper first, help a child make several costume changes and give attention to a plethora of questions and impromptu musical performances. It's enough time for us to fight about eating breakfast, encourage the preschooler to remove a few accessories and convince the toddler that socks are a good idea when it's negative 5 outside. There are snacks to be made (to avoid meltdowns) and coats, hats, gloves, and scarves to don before we start loading in the van at 10. Yes, 10. No, it does not take 45 minutes to drive to our church. But there's the buckling of those safety contraptions in the car, the unbuckling (I swear we spend most of our lives messing around with those car seats...), de-robing after we get to our destination, dropping off at children's church with just enough time to find seats and watch the worship countdown on the screen (I have no idea why they only countdown from 30 seconds!) You know I'm not exaggerating here. In fact, some of you parents skipped reading most of that paragraph because you just would rather not relive it what has become such a common part of your life. (I didn't even enjoy writing it!)

What's worse is that that is a SMOOTH morning. I heard a parent one time say it took her 20 minutes to convince her child to get their shoes and socks on and 20 minutes before she lost her temper. I looked at her and said, 20 minutes?? I lose my temper after like, 5. Of course, any temper tantrum (theirs or yours) adds 15-20 minutes to the amount of time getting out the door (So one of those...and there, now you know why I'm late to church.) I hate to admit it, but I really like my children. Despite that, I do miss going somewhere and getting out the door in a reasonable amount of time. At their age, my children don't understand time (a type of bliss for them really). And though I understand that, I lose my patience frequently about how long they take and I get mad at God about the same thing.

It takes a lot for me to wrap my mind around God's view of time. He has, like my kids, a completely different perspective on the matter. Considering that he is the Alpha and Omega, a name scripture gives him in Revelation 1:8 and 21:6 he has a much bigger view of time. The Alpha and Omega are the first and last letters of the Greek alphabet. So when the Bible calls God this we interpret it to mean God is the beginning and end of all time. He was there when the world was created (Genesis 1:1) and will continue even after this earth is long gone (Revelation 21:1-3). And he is present throughout all the time in between. "The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good." Proverbs 15:3 says.

Whereas my children have no concept of time, God has a perfect and whole view of all of time. Both frustrate me because I'm somewhere in between running out of the stuff. I grow impatient and fearful, particularly when things start to go south and the burdens feel heavier than I think I can bear and my prayers seem to go unanswered for what feels like a long, well, time. 

Lately, that seems to be the case. We have recently made some big decisions to follow God that have caused us some burdens (and don't get me wrong, lots of joy too!!) The post Jesus My Captain will fill you in on the details, but suffice it to say that last year we decided to have a baby and then moved and changed jobs a few months later. A move meant selling our house. A new job meant a change in health insurance. A new baby meant a bigger car and more medical bills. And despite my hands being cracked from all the hand washing I do, I have been sick with Bronchitis, a sinus infection, a bacterial infection, and the stomach flu in succession since November. It's been a rough couple of months and the time when the house sells, and I can open the windows in the spring to get rid of germs seems far off. I'm sure many of us are itching for that warm spring sun by this point actually. 

As we pray, particularly for our house to sell, and much of our financial burden to be lifted, my husband peacefully recalled reading about God's provision recently when some professional fishermen went out fishing. All night they caught nothing. As the sun was just peeking over the horizon, Jesus called from the shore, "No fish last night? The fish are all on the right side of the boat. Throw your net there!" Out of desperation or complete faith, they did it and weren't even able to pull the net in because it was so full! They had to drag it behind the boat to the shore, where they sat and had breakfast with Jesus. That night though must have seemed so long! So long. A night where nothing happened, where their prayers didn't seem to yield anything. Yet how much more powerful must it have seemed when they caught the big load that only Jesus could see. 

He is faithful, though the burden may remain. 

I was thinking about another difficult time in our life when time was an issue and our burden felt great. We were trying to conceive our first child. It seemed like an easy process you know? *Insert winky face here. Truly we believed once we'd decided to have a baby it would be a month, maybe two before that little stick turned blue. But it didn't. I grew frustrated. We taught abstinence classes at public schools at the time and my heart would dim every time I heard of single 15 year old who had gotten pregnant. "Like, really God?" I would pray. A mentor of mine told me she waited 7 years for her first baby and prayed over me. I was encouraged by her resilience and faith in God (and secretly told Him there was no way I was strong enough for that). But my heart broke after a false positive and my best friend got pregnant (by surprise-no hard feelings now:-)). It seemed like we would never have a child. Now, that whole episode of my life lasted, are you ready for it? For 5 months. I look back on that and realize, without being too harsh on my younger self, that I was so naive on my view of time and slightly impatient. Thank goodness, my afore mentioned mentor was not impatient with me, as she had waited much, much longer. But my view of time and timing was and maybe still is askewed. But my faith and understanding is being stretched now when it comes to the topic.

Here's the thing. God is perfect. So any plans he makes for us are also perfect. And those plans include timing because if there is anyone with perfect timing we have already established that it is God. He does not make mistakes. Does his timing sometimes seem long to us? Yes. Do we carry burdens in the meantime? Yes. He gives us strength to carry the burdens though. And in this way, he provides. In this way, He is faithful, though the burden may remain. 

His timing is perfect because he can see what we can't. 2 Kings 6 recalls how Elisha the prophet made an enemy with the King of Aram (who was attacking the Israelites) by warning the King of Israel of places of ambush. Enraged, the Aramean King went after Elisha with a strong force of chariots and horses that surrounded the city in pursuit of the prophet. Elisha wasn't worried. Instead he said to his trembling servant, "Don't be afraid, those who are with us are more than those who are with them." Then he prayed that his servant could see what he could. And then the servant looked around and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire that surround Elisha. An unseen angelic army sent to protect God's child. We need not be afraid or worried just because we cannot see how God is at work. 

Have you ever waited while someone else prepared a meal for you? If you're used to doing the cooking this process can be excruciating. It seems like it takes forever! Pair this with delicious aromas that waft out of the kitchen or, if you're in a restaurant (that actually cooks its food from scratch) and you see other people get their food first, your stomach kind of takes over your brain right? You forget it actually takes time to prepare good food, you're hungry and all you want is food right now! (Thank goodness for dinner rolls.) In the meantime, the chef is running around hard at work on your behalf, even though you can't see it. 

Any good thing I receive in addition to that work of love I view as God's mercy. Does he really need to give me anything else?

Our prayers in the long waits may seem to go unanswered but we have to remember that we lack God's view of time and his scope of understanding. We cannot always see the hard work and the battle that is ensuing in the unseen realms on our behalf. What we can rest assured in, however, is his goodness and care for us. We have to believe that God is fighting for us even when we cannot see what he can and do not understand the timing of our situations. What God did to ensure our salvation through Jesus' death on the cross is the most profound work of love for us. The thoughts that follow that one are two-fold. First, if he loved me enough to that, then why wouldn't he fight for me in the smaller things? Secondly, any good thing I receive in addition to that work of love I view as God's mercy. Does he really need to give me anything else? Because any good thing above and beyond that begins to look like icing on the cake. 

So I pray, give me eyes to see how You are at work God in the waiting, when my view of time is askewed. In the meantime, let me trust in your goodness and let me thank you for mercies! 

Traditions

Aunt Billie's log cabin was tucked way back in the woods. It was snowing and I remember crossing train tracks and huge pines covered in the thick white stuff. Pulling up to her cozy home was like parking in front of one of those ceramic houses my mom collected. Inside, Uncle Bill sat in his cowboy hat watching his favorite western in a darkened room decorated with (used) spitoons and deer antlers. My brothers would play pool upstairs while I assessed how to get the candy out of the gum ball machine (that room was the best!) I would tromp out into the cold to visit the Persian cats my aunt bred in their shelter. Those squishy faced felines were a wonder to me. Afterward a Christmas dinner of turkey, little baby dill pickles and rolls (that's all I remember eating), my aunt offered to let us use the hot tub that sat on her back porch while the snow would fall around us. YES! Sadly, we didn't have our bathing suits. "No problem," said Aunt Billie, "you could just go in your birthday suits." Birthday suits? What was that? No one explained. We didn't go in. It's no wonder I never forgot all of that! Especially once I found out what a "birthday suit" was! There weren't a lot of presents from that visit. The intriguing finds and memories, in my mind, are Christmas perfection.

       

I love me some holidays, don't you? My Mom instilled a whole host of traditions in my holidays (not the least of them a visit to aunt Billie's). She was the best at filling those stockings with whole bags of Reese's, Candy Canes filled with M n'M's, and little wrapped presents until the socks sagged and threaten to pull the thumbtacks right out of the wooden piano! (We didn't have a mantle, but we had the oldest and most out of tune upright piano that we stuck our stockings to.) 

Other holidays were no exception. On Easter she would hide our filled baskets and the kids had to hunt for them (someone's was always in the dryer) before we donned our finest apparel to go to church where the pews were filled with pastels and warm sunshine streaming in the windows. A birthday didn't pass without a cake and presents, and every Valentine's Day I would come home from school to find a small red or pink stuffed animal and some other trinket sitting on my bed. 

Later she would instill some other traditions. On Thanksgiving, we would gang up with the homeless shelter downtown Pittsburgh and dish out turkey and mashed potatoes wherever they sent us. Once it was at a nursing home. Then one Christmas we passed out coat after coat on a frigid day to the homeless. She was teaching me something new here. A valuable lesson: holidays were not just about me. 

Let's consider the next couple months of holidays for a moment. You know, November is and was a lovely month. If we were reflective enough, our thoughts were given to thankfulness. Our minds and hearts were probably illuminated to the blessings around us, even if things were tough. We posted blessings and words of gratefulness. And then Christmas comes. Either it is a shot to the gut- confirming all that we do not have and we forget to be thankful immediately, or the lights, the commercials, the Pinterest pins slowly widdle away at us until we are left harried by all that is undone and imperfect in our lives. We become consumed by what to buy, what we might receive. Unraveled by all of this, we recollect ourselves to commit to perfection in the New Year and January is filled with a tremendous focus on self image. I am always floored by the contradiction of January to February, where all the health food and exercise is exchanged for decadent Valentine indulgences and junk food paired with football! Then March comes around and thank goodness, Lent, along with hopefully an early Easter, because we've got some serious repenting to do!

Does all of that seem too critical? Or maybe you appreciate the honest wide lens of American celebrations. Like I said, I love holidays. But, something tugs at my heart and many of my convictions about our purpose as believers to care for the poor and needy are confirmed yet again this Christmas season. This time with Nebuchadnezzar. Do you know this guy? He was the great king of Babylon and of indulgences. He lacked nothing. I'm not sure what holidays Babylonians celebrated but I'm guessing based on their commonalities with American culture (wealthy, thriving, lots of choices, educated and a overly superb sense of self) they enjoyed (or suffered) the holidays in the same bustling, perfected, and indulgent ways we do. King Neb likely did it up to the hilt. Daniel 2:37-38 has Daniel describing him in this way, "You, O King, are the king of kings. The God of heaven has given you dominion and power and might and glory; in your hands he has placed mankind and the beasts of the field and the birds of the air. Wherever they live, he has made you the ruler over them all."

He was also (like the rest of his culture) incredibly self centered. Imagine the CEO of your company builds a statue of gold of HIMSELF that is 90 feet tall, sets up a huge concert and when the music plays, you and everyone else in leadership positions are supposed to hit the ground and worship the statue. And here's the kicker, if you don't, you will be fired. Well that's what King Neb did, only instead of losing their jobs, those who did not bow down would be literally burnt in a fire, alive. Later he has this dream of a really big tree that gets cut down to a stump. Daniel interprets the dream and explains that Nebuchadnezzar is the tree that gets cut down; that he will be sent into the wilderness and go crazy for about 7 years until he acknowledges that God is sovereign and he himself is not the end all be all in life. Daniel's advice? "Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue."  

There is a subtly in Daniel's advice that is not lost on me. He advised Neb to "do what is right" and be "kind to the oppressed." Reminds me of the Lord's requirements for mankind in Micah 6:8,  "to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Actually it also sounds like a blog I know!) Beth Moore said of Nebuchadnezzar in her study of Daniel that God must have a "profound offense at a person's willingness to sit contentedly in luxury without concern for the oppressed." And all I can think is how horrifying Christmas must be to God at times! Not the gift giving necessarily but the over-indulgence, the debt racked up on our behalf while the poor and oppressed exists. I'm terrified, sickened and convicted that He sees it all: the war torn country where life is taken, while the superfluous presents and decorations are purchased; those thankful for scraps of food that will allow them to survive, while we break our budgets to fill a table with food. I could go on, but honestly, it's too painfully convicting even for myself. It's enough for me to reject holidays altogether!

But, I've confessed already that I love Christmas, and Valentine's Day and Easter... And I get caught up in it all too.  Sometimes I worry (yes, worry) that I suck at Christmas. That I need to bake more cookies, buy more presents, host a bigger party and then I read something about airstrikes in Alleppo or the poverty in Haiti and my selfish spinning world comes to a screeching halt and everything is put into perspective. I realize cookies, shopping and decorations are not what I was meant for. And I have a choice to make. Pull the cover back over my head to continue to "sit contentedly in luxury without concern for the oppressed" whispering Babylon's motto to myself "I am and there is none but me" (Isaiah 47: 8) or reject the "magic" of it all and launch headlong toward God's real purpose for my life,"to loose the chains of injustice" "to set the oppressed free" "to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him." (Isaiah 58:6-7)

Unfortunately, King Neb pulled the covers over his head and foolishly declares as he stands on the roof of his palace "Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the Royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?" (Daniel 4:30) He chooses wrongly, focusing only on his self importance, and scripture says at that very moment, the dream came to pass and King Neb lost his mind and roamed out into the wildnerness. A focus on self and a forgetfulness of the poor is not sin God takes lightly. And it is one that we ought to be talking about a whole lot more as believers than some of the more popular ones we like to harp on (ones most of us find easily avoidable.)

There is a lot of good that happens this time of the year, I'll admit. Toy drives for little ones who don't have anything, family gatherings where birthday suits are discussed, presents bought from NGO's that provide income in developing countries, turkey and mashed potatoes dished out to the homeless... But be careful, oh so careful, that Christmas cheer does not zap your ability to read about, pray for and act on behalf of those who aren't celebrating like you are. Don't lose your purpose amidst the traditions. And if you are already kind and generous to those who have not during this season may you continue (like being grateful) to pursue that in January, shirking the need to lose 10 pounds (eat less and send the money you save to Haiti), and in February, loving others (and not just with chocolates), and during Lent in March, fast in the way it is commanded in Isaiah 58, spending yourself on behalf of the hungry and afflicted, and make it a tradition that takes priority over them all, all year long! 

A Childhood Of Thanks

                      

  

"Mama, I'm grumpy! It's a bad day," my three year old girl says sadly. I reel at this as I think back over the day we've had. Was it really that bad? Her Dad made both of our kids pancakes for breakfast, at her request. (We had to fight them to eat them, but that's normal.) We chose not to fight about outfit choices (she walked out the door with a pink top, zebra striped fleece pants AND a black and white striped skirt, accessorized by sparkly shoes and a barrage of necklaces, bracelets and hair clips). She played at the YMCA, and we did some grocery shopping (where she got to use one of those mini shopping carts) and then we had a picnic lunch of PB and Jelly on our deck because it was warm and sunny. Later, we strolled over to the park to swing, slide and spin and came home to play dolls. It felt like a joyful rendition of "If You Give a Pig a Pancake"  where we left fun (and a mess) in our tracks wherever we went! But at the end of the day, tiredness and grumpiness along with bad behavior set in and we had to deal out discipline. Thus ensued much wailing and gnashing of teeth! Once settled and in bed, the little miss was talking with me, and all she could think about was her punishment, which ruined the day completely I guess.

Isn't that just like an adult? All the blessings we have and we're so unhappy sometimes! Even this morning I sit in a coffee shop, writing. Getting time to yourself is a treat by any mom standard! My husband graciously gives me a couple hours "off" each week to go away, pursue my passion and sip coffee. Fantastic, right? But this morning, I argued with said husband over the bad behavior of one of our children, leaving me a little more than emotionally drained to write my book about raising kids in a Godly manner (talk about demotivating!) Then, my coffee tasted cold and weak and to top it off, my keyboard wouldn't work. What a bad day! Or what an amazing day to practice what I'm about to preach to you.

With Halloween out of the picture, Thanksgiving is upon us. I've made a habit of trying to think of at least one thing I'm thankful for each day in the month of November. (I figure if there's a time to be thankful, it's definitely near "Thanksgiving!") But let me tell ya, it is a discipline by all means! Despite all the good in my days, something always comes around to steal my joy. I often focus so heavily on those things instead of the good. And you know who's watching me do that? My children. If we don't want our children to turn into entitled, and ungrateful you know what's, we ourselves we'll need to start practicing Thanksgiving all year round. 

A Prescription For Joy

I chuckle that as soon as Thanksgiving day ends (and now even before it) one of the most overwhelming holidays on the planet begins. Christmas, with all of its lights, shopping, wrapping, dinner planning and family disfunction and loneliness and financial burden comes blazing in like a meteor each November. The celebration of the peaceful coming of our Lord Jesus has become one of the least peaceful times of the year. But scripture tells us that in prayer over our worries and the practice of thankfulness we will receive "God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. HIS peace will guard our hearts and minds as we live in Jesus Christ." (Phillipians 4:6, NLT) But this is not only for Christmas time, it is for all time! We are told to "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS." (Phillipians 4:4) And to focus on the good. The Message version of verses 8 and 9 is a beautiful rendition, so let me quote it directly:

     Summing it up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true,     

     noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, GRACIOUS [emphasis mine]- the best, not the worst; the  

     beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from   

     me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, 

     will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

In an upcoming season of stress with no ceiling, at all times we would do well to focus on graciousness, "the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse." This, I admit, feels like some hippie dippy, head in the sand way to avoid reality. But friends, this is from scripture. I'm not making junk up. The Bible tells us to think positively (kind of half glass full type of thing) and thank God for those wonderful things around us! It tells us, not to live in ignorance, but not to focus on the ugly, worst things. 

We also see the author of Phillipians, Paul, leading by example by saying "put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard, and saw and realized." These were Paul's spiritual children he was speaking to, but what if our own children heard and saw and realized our lives of thankfulness, especially when life was not going our way? When life was really stressful? No more 'do as I say and not as I do' stuff. No, do as I do children. Because they will anyway. 

The Destruction of An Ungrateful Heart

And what's the worse that will happen if we focus on all the bad, and grow ungratefulness in the hearts of our kids? You will likely have issues with entitlement, that attitude that says they deserve to get whatever they want. It will also likely breed bad behavior (when they don't get what they want, they act out), incapacity to handle life's hardships (lack of thankfulness=no peace=no joy) and the results can be straight destructive. 

Consider a character from a Bible store that many of us would never strive to be like. The story of Esther is an incredible one of heroism and courage in the midst of an attempted genocide. She saves thousands of Israelites by putting her life on the line. But for now let's focus on the bad guy, Haman. In the story, Hamen is a blatant racist, with a particular hatred for Jews and seeks to eliminate them through genocide. A horrible man. But have you ever taken not of his other sin? Given the position of "most powerful official in the empire" (Esther 3:1), Haman had control of much of the kingdom, was the king's right hand man, commanding all to bow to him. He was given a beautiful estate, second only to the king's. Had a wife (not of great character we see in the story, but loyal nonetheless), friends and a plethora of wealth and power. But when one little Mordecai (a Jewish official in the palace) would not bow to him because of his religious beliefs, he was thrown into a tizzy of wrath and prejudice. Did he focus on all the blessings he had been given? Nope. Was all that he had been given not enough? Apparently not, because He huffed and puffed, building gallows in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep over it to kill Mordecai and became so infuriated that he devised a plan to murder every Jew in the kingdom because Mordecai was a Jew. I know how serious this plot of genocide is, but I cannot help but think "What an ungrateful baby!" 

Thankfully, Esther was not a baby. An orphan since childhood raised by her male cousin, then torn away from him to be tossed into the sickening beauty pageant of King Xerxes, possibly only to be passed over and left in his Harem for the rest of her life, she did not squawk a complaint! What if she was in love before forced into this world of the king's pleasure? What about her friends who may have been contending for the king's attention too? What about her family who she might never see again or her religion which would be very hard to maintain in such a palace? Did she balk at her situation? No. What was the result of these two who could not be more different? Esther became Queen, won the favor of the most important man in the kingdom and saved an entire people group. 

Haman was eventually hung on the gallows he built. (Read the story of Esther in the Bible for all the deets!)

And isn't that just the same with our attitudes about things? We lay in the bed we make so to speak. Focus on the worst and you may find yourself hung on a life of bitterness. Lift your voice in thankfulness to God and you will live on in Him, peaceful beyond understanding. The attitude we choose, will also be the one reflected in our children. Consequently, the life that results will be the same kind of life that results in them. 

I'd like to write a letter to my future adult children to read. It would have a lot of advice like: embrace life, take every opportunity to enjoy it, have standards for the people you date and eventually marry, but don't expect them to be perfect because no one is.  And most importantly: learn the delicate art of wiping. Because, someday you'll likely be a parent and that's all you do is wipe. Wipe hands. Wipe noses. Wipe bums. Wipe tables and a variety of other surfaces. There are different wipes for each surface too. Clorox wipes, cloth wipes, tissues, toilet paper, and well, wipes. I'd like to think by writing this letter, I am preparing a smooth path for them for life. But let's be honest, life does not give us a smooth path no matter how much we prepare our children. We must give them something practical that will carry them through. And it's not a directory inventorying wipes and their corresponding uses. It's thankfulness. To be thankful is to put things into perspective and correct our attitude towards God who gives such good gifts. To be thankful is to weather life's major difficulties and minor frustrations. To be thankful is to be at peace and live in joy that will continue for generations to come. May the season of Thanksgiving reign in your lives all year round!

Jesus My Captain

How do you make decisions about your future? Rock, paper, scissors seems to work well in our house, especially when it comes to parenting. Kyle and I were busy making our lunches one afternoon when Adelaide cried out, "The doggie went poopy and needs help wiping!" (Now, if you know us, we don't have a dog, so we clearly interpreted the preschooler's imagination to mean that her little sister needed assistance in the bathroom.) Being the responsible parents that we are, the two of us bantered about who got this job since I was about to take a bite out of my sandwich. We went to our usual go to tie-breaker: Rock, paper, scissors. (Keep in mind this is all happening quite quickly as the two year old is sitting on the pot.) In a rushed tone Kyle squawks, "Best of three or winner takes all??" At this moment, Mercy emerges bum naked from the bathroom. "ONE!" We both exclaim. While we proceed, the little one takes a bolting lap around our kitchen, and living room before I lose and then run to chase the giggling bare bottomed toddler. 

Rock, paper, scissors is a great way to ensure laughter and excitement overwhelm the "blahs" of parenthood. But obviously it doesn't make the cut for the tricky question of how to determine God's will for your life and future. Many of you know by now that our family is relocating to a new city in Iowa where Kyle will be working as a Youth Pastor at Christ Community Church in Ames. We are also expecting our third child in March/April (Due date is March 30th but let's be real, it's probably going to be like April 10th with my track record!) These are two things we did not have even an inkling of at the beginning of this year. And though the baby was not planned, it was an obedient choice (which I'll explain the weirdness of that statement soon.) So how did we come to decide on moving and having another kid? We believe it is what the Lord is asking us to do. Ready to find out how we came to that decision? (No, it's not rock, paper, scissors!)

Well let's start with this baby shall we? It's a vulnerable subject but I think the fact that I'm ready to publish it on this blog shows the kind of healing I've experienced this year. I have not hid the fact that 1. I HATE being pregnant and 2. That we were NOT going to have a third child. The reason for this is because I have experienced emotional turmoil with pregnancy due to hormone changes in my body that we liken to many physical complications that often keep couples from having more children. Many know about post-partum depression and baby blues, but from the research I've found, what I experienced is dubbed as perinatal anxiety mood disorder. (Boy, that is scary to admit! But I know I'm not the only one, so I am going to figuratively shout it from the rooftops if this helps someone else!) You can look it up, but think depression, anxiety, and anger on top of normal pregnancy junk. It's not fun. And it makes itself known in pregnancy and then up to 2 years after you give birth. YAY! (Sarcasm)

So having a third just seemed out of the question. Until about February of this year, I attended a women's conference, where I led worship. And while I was singing and throughout the whole conference, I would feel a gentle tug at my heart for a third baby (something I had obviously let go of awhile ago.) Pushing it aside, I would hear that same cry as I spent time in prayer over the next couple weeks (not necessarily praying about that topic at all at that time-I was actually praying about the emotional issues I was experiencing.) I began wondering if God was speaking and not just my emotions. So then I did begin talking to Him about it. As I prayed, I told God he was going to have to convince Kyle's. It was May before I brought it up. To my utter surprise he enthusiastically said yes (which is a miracle if you understood what my prego emotions had put him through!) Still, I knew saying yes to God meant taking on a burden I wasn't sure I was prepared to handle. My moods and anxiety were so bad with the other pregnancies that I knew I would have to trust God for every moment and detail of those 9 months (ok, 10 really. No, more like next 3 years!) A choice of obedience and trust, but definitely not planned. 

3 days before we found out I was pregnant, Kyle got a call from Ames with a request that we consider a position he had not applied for. We weren't looking to move or change in place of ministry. I'm not going to lie. My heart screamed, "No! Absolutely not." I was not ready to leave my friends and the comfort of a home we seemed to have just settled into and made "ours."  To leave what felt like unfinished ministry. (Even though, realistically, ministry doesn't really have an end until the coming of Christ, right?) 

But you know, I like control. I'm a control freak. With Jesus that is something I've decided I have to give up. I talk about being on God's great adventure. And there are thrills and excitement and goodness to it. But doing hard things and making Godly choices seem to go hand in hand. Going where God calls us even when it's not convenient, comfortable or sometimes even reasonable is difficult. Yet like all adventure, there is risk and there is sacrifice. You don't climb Mount Everest without the understood possibility of death at worst, or it taking a lot of time at best. 

In Matthew 10, Jesus tells the disciples to go to the cities of Israel preaching repentance. Jesus is no bones about that fact that it will be difficult, encouraging them to be "shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves" because "All men will hate you" and "they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you." (1) Later He says,"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (2) One of my more shallow reasons for not wanting to leave was because I love our home. God spoke to my heart through scripture about this saying "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy...But store up up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (3) I also worried tremendously about the financial struggle having a baby AND moving would cause us. Then I looked upon the framed painted scripture (I made in Bible camp as a child) that hangs on my daughter's wall: "Seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (For God knows you need these things...)" (4) When God calls us to do something, it doesn't guarantee ease of passage. But we are guaranteed his care and provision for us when our priority is his mission and not our own desires. And any struggle I experience is no where near as great as what good things come as a result of obedience to Jesus. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (5)

When we began this process of discerning God's will we prayed, listened and sought the counsel of mature believers and fellow ministers. But in the end, the truth of scripture was our standard for determining the wisest decision. Relying on emotions, others or even our own intellect and common sense alone to determine the will of God is dangerous. All should measured against the words of the Bible. Being obedient to God's will is nearly as difficult discerning it. And control over our lives is hard to let go of...

I'll finish with a story. There was a farmer who bought a plot of land and planted his crops. Then he rented the farm to some tenants who would care for it while he was away on a trip. When the harvest came he sent some workers to collect his grain. But the tenants treated the workers terribly, even killing one of them! This time the farmer sent police to the farm, but the tenants were brutal with them too. Finally, the farmer sent his son, who knew the tenants well, thinking, surely they would respect him? But the tenants thought, "let's get rid of of him too because he might come someday and take over the farm. Then what would we have?" So they killed him too. You can imagine the anger of the owner and what he will do when he returns, right?? (Adapted from the parable of the tenants in Matthew 21:33-45). The tenants, though not the owners of the farm, began to assume THEY ought to be in control. They wanted all of the authority though they did not own the farm at all. They were simply tenants doing the work of the owner who bought them at a price! 

Wanting to control our lives is a sneaky sin. We are not our own. We were lovingly bought at a price. God alone should be the authority of our lives. The ultimate Rock, Paper, Scissors if you will. Through prayer, scripture and the affirmation of other believers we determine the will of God. But make no mistake, determining it is only half the battle. Obedience is not always easy either. And though it genuinely hurts to say good-bye, to feel unfinished in a place, to choose the sacrifice entailed in a third child we open our hands to release control and follow Jesus wherever he leads, not out of fear, but for love of the Savior that sacrificed all for us. 

Through waters uncharted, 

My soul will embark,

I'll follow your voice straight into the dark.

And if from the course you intend I depart,

Speak to the sails in my wondering heart.

Like the wind you guide,

Clear the skies before me

And I'll glide this open sea.

Like the stars your word 

Will align my voyage

And remind me where I've been 

And where I am going. 

Lost in the shadows,

Amidst fear and fog,

Your truth is a compass that points me back North.

Jesus my captain,

My soul's trust Lord,

All my allegiance is rightfully yours. 

- Benjamin Hastings, Seth Simmons of Hillsong

"In his heart a man plans his course,

But the Lord determines his steps."

Psalm 16:9

(1) Matthew 10:16, 22, and 17

(2) Matthew 10:39

(3) Matthew 6:19

(4) Matthew 6:32-33

(5) 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

Aftermath

I am up very late or very early (depending on your view of things) writing this to you. I woke up with an urge to pray for a country in desperate need and it wasn't my own. My heart broke for Haiti last night when a dear missionary friend of mine, Renee Edme, reported, "I have never been so up front, but people are dying right now. The sooner we get supplies to the worst areas, the more lives will be saved." As hurricane Matthew approached and made landfall on the southwest portion of Haiti, I prayed desperately for lives to be saved and many were. But the aftermath of the destruction and flooding have left 90% of their crops destroyed, animals dead, water contaminated and no homes to sleep in. I read that many are sleeping outside, where the streets are flooded like rivers.

 

I live in a land of agriculture. The motto in Iowa is "we feed the world." Our crops here form the backbone of much of our country's food production. Living here has given me a great appreciation for farmers who work morning to night to plant, care for and harvest life-giving crops. I have begun to feel the emotion of the effects of what a bad hail storm can do to such crops. Imagine 90% of all the crops in Iowa being destroyed with no hope of replanting for months. 

Flood waters have poured sewage water into drinking sources and what little bottled water existed has dissappeared in a matter of days. Those who were able to stock up on food and water are afraid to open their storehouses for fear of being mobbed. And as clean water runs out, people are starting to drink the contaminated water. Renee writes that in 2004 there was terrible flooding in a nearby city that caused over 5,0000 deaths from dysentery due to a lack of clean water and infected wounds. 

As if it weren't enough, the medicine has run out, there are new outbreaks of cholera (a disease that draws fluid from a patient's blood into the intestines, killing in only 6 hours time without treatment), and there's no electricity, so communication is obsolete for most. 

As Renee said, there is no food, no water, no electricity and no communication. The situation is dire and grows more grim as the days go on. 

While thinking about what was to come after the hurricane last week, I had that motherly (or fatherly) feeling you get when your kid is in trouble and you just want to rush to their aid, except I had it for Haiti.  Contemplating how I could get there in this rush of emotions, I stubbornly resigned to the fact that I'm pregnant and Zika virus would be a serious threat (although even that wasn't holding much of a candle to my feelings.) So praying I did and then as a family we decided to give. But with a baby on the way, school loans, and life changes, there isn't exactly extra money. I'm sure many feel that way but with different financial obligations, so here's what we did and what I would challenge you to do. Renee said, If you have the means, give big. If not give what you can as the Lord has provided. 

This past week, we have cut our food budget in half. I'll be transparent here, we're foodies and spend about $100 a week on groceries. This week we spent $50 vowing to eat much more frugally and send the rest to Haiti. This is how we were able to give by what the Lord has provided us. Originally, I was going to document our week and write this post in an effort to gain support for MOHI's relief efforts. But this can't wait until the end of the week. Too many lives are at stake. 

There have been several times already this week when I look at my "frugal" meal and feel overwhelmed and even ashamed by our wealth when I think of those in Haiti who have nothing. At one meal, I made a meatless dish (which isn't totally unusual for us) and I can't say we "liked" it, but with every bite I thanked God and prayed for those who will not see a plate of vegetables like this all week or maybe for months. And as I made our meal tonight, using two different types of pasta from our cupboard and mixing cans of whatever was "tomato-y", I considered that this might be a weekly quest. How much could we feed Haiti if we all cut our food consumption in half for one week?

Last Sunday, our pastor preached about our compassionate Savior. So many times in the Gospels, it says, Jesus looked on them (or him or her) and had compassion and then proceeded to feed, heal, and raise from the dead. I am challenged by Jesus' compassion this week in regards to Haiti and in the midst of a lot going right now I our country that I cannot control, I am more than ready to move on something that I can help control and that is saving lives in Haiti by donating. I am more than aware that there are MANY countries and places with similar desperate needs, so I am asking you as a personal favor to support Haiti today by praying, giving and spreading the word. 

I have seen firsthand how quickly and effectively Mission of Hope International works to distribute food, water and clothing. They are able to respond as quickly as the financial resources are available to them. You can donate online at www.mohintl.org. 

God is King

There is a dusty road that travels from Jericho to Jerusalem. It is less of road and more of a single track path that winds through rocky terrain ascending 3,000 feet over 17 miles. It is called the Wadi Quelt (Kelt) and is the path Mary and Joseph would have taken when called up for the census. Yes, the same one Mary walked while being VERY pregnant. It's no wonder the sweet girl gave birth when they arrived in Bethlehem. Talk about a ride on bumpy road! If you haven't heard, we're expecting our third ankle biter in March. I'm not a very good pregnant woman: I don't glow, I'm not happy head to toe. With less sleep I morph into a Momzilla. And by 8 months I am usually so huge and uncomfortable that OTHER people empathetically wish I would give birth a month early.  I love you gals who love being pregnant. Just stay clear of me when I'm with child because I'll only bring ya down. So I CAN NOT IMAGINE the strength of Mary's character (or Joseph's for that matter, God bless his soul!) as she walked/rode along a path like this one under the pressure of giving birth to the King of the universe. WHAT on earth was God doing, in his sovereignty, allowing a census to go on just before it was her time? (Feel free to see my post "Suffering Through Christmas" for more details, 'cause I'm going somewhere else right now.) 

Fast forward 30 years to John the Baptist, that crazy guy decked out in camel hair while munching on locusts in the countryside. Though his fashion and diet are questionable, his message was not: "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near." He is the one Isaiah says in chapter 40 is the voice calling in the desert. Calling to "Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight paths for him. Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. And all mankind will see God's salvation." (Verses 3-5) Mind going back and reading that verse one more time? (I know some of ya'll skimmed it, I would have.) 

I found out an interesting factoid when studying the book of Matthew recently in Stephen and Jacalyn Eyre's Lifeguide Bible Study: Matthew, Being Discipled By Jesus,

"In ancient times the coming of a king required special preparation. A herald was sent ahead to prepare the road on which the king would be traveling. Holes were filled, rough places made smooth and crooked sections straightened. The same thing happened in recent times when Queen Elizabeth II visited the Bahamas. In preparation for her coming, the roads she would be traveling on were completely restored."

John the Baptist declared to the world that they ought to "Prepare the way for the Lord" describing exactly what was done for ancient kings. But did he mean to literally fill in the holes and smooth out the rough roads because God the King was coming? If that's what it meant, then Mary and Joseph 
didn't do their job because Mary was carrying that King. No, not at all. In the hearts of those who heard John's message (Repent!) and in our own hearts, the question needs to be asked: What do we need to repent of to make the roads of our heart smooth so that Jesus can truly be King of our lives? 

In his unrelenting love for us, God sent Jesus to have done to him what should have been done to us. 

If you do not have a relationship with God, Jesus has already walked the rocky paths for you to get to your heart. But the message is the same as John's: repent. The reason Jesus came to this earth was 
because of us. We broke our relationship with him by disobeying the loving boundaries he gave us in his law. We neglect to give honor and respect to the one who created us. We give our hearts and attention to anything but God, looking for satisfaction in wealth, relationships, and the desires of hearts when he is the only one that can provide that satisfaction. We come up short in our relationship with Him. But in his unrelenting love for us, God sent Jesus to have done to him what should have been done to us. 

He died. 

He showed the greatest act of love in relationship by taking a bullet in the form of a cross for us that cost him his life. And what he asks in return is for us to murmur the most difficult words in the human language: "I'm sorry." And then with his powerful help seek to live the life he intended for us in the first place as citizens of his Kingdom. 

Many of us are living too safe. Too comfortable to lose our life for the sake the Gospel. Repent. 

Which brings me to you believer. John's message is the same. Are you living like citizens of the King? What is distracting you from Him? There are things in our lives that are rocks (some massive boulders) that are keeping you from even learning who this King really is and how you ought to be behaving. Throw off all that hinders. Repent.  What kind of path are you preparing for others to receive OUR King? Compare how much time you spend preparing the path for our nation's next "king" with how much you do about our Savior. Repent. Are you making the road more treacherous, increasing its elevation for others to get to the King? Church is not a social club for the healthy and wealthy folks (which by the way, we are all sick and poor in comparison to the glory of God.) Rather the community of God is intended for the purpose of furthering God's Kingdom preaching the news of his coming to some of those you might deem unsightly for your church service. Repent. Are we filling the holes by the sweat of our brow and the sacrifice of our time and backs? Many of us are living too safe. Too comfortable to lose our life for the sake the Gospel. Repent. 

Here's the caveat: this is not you getting to Jesus by the things you do, but it is about "Producing fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8) A repentance that is daily in these fleshly vessels we dwell in. Nevertheless, do it and do as Colossians 3 tells it: Put to death the deeds of the flesh. Get rid of evil desires and greed. Rid yourselves of anger, slander, filthy language, lying to each other.  Put on love, and forgiveness, and the bond of unity in all things. In a terrifying passage of Matthew, Jesus talks about false prophets. He says, "every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit." (Matthew 7: 17) And that we will know who the genuine followers of Jesus are by their fruit. We are not citizens of this earth friends. We are citizens of the Kingdom of God and as such we are inheritors of the mission of God. Decide once and for all who is your King and produce fruit in keeping with true repentance. And prepare ye the way.

Into The Desert: Hope Has Come And Hope Has Past The Test

It was a long two weeks without my hubby! While Kyle was trekking through Jerusalem, swimming in the Dead Sea, and eating Shawarma (a delicious middle eastern treat of meat tucked into a yummy pita), I was waking up at the crack of dawn with our 2 year old (who is too much of a morning person), trying to keep the coffee flowing in my veins, and hauling both kids back and forth to Pennsylvania BY PLANE. 

I was a little jealous. Ok, a lot jealous. But I did actually love that he had the opportunity to learn and grow in Israel and I have learned quite a bit too just by what I have gleaned from him! (And by "Google-ing" his itinerary lot!) I hope to share a couple of those things with you in the next two posts. This first one features Kyle on the byline as a co-author since I used the lesson he prepared for the group he was traveling with. 

Years ago when I was in college, I studied communications abroad in Peru, while (unbeknownst to me) being a Guinea pig in my college professor's study on the short comings of short term missions (which we also did while I was there.) Amidst the month long visit, we took two days to visit Ica, an oasis in the dessert of Peru. I had never been to a desert, so as the mountains of sand rose up around me, a feeling of awe took over that I wouldn't expect. I mean, you know, it's a desert. It's not pretty. It's all tan and well, sandy. It's dry. Hot. And that's it. Desert. The most exciting thing is something you probably don't want to encounter: scorpions. 

Ok, maybe not the most exciting thing. The rip roaring ride on the dune buggy was wild (and utterly dangerous) and it made getting out into the middle of the dessert pretty awesome (couldn't keep my eyeballs focused long enough to take in the "beauty" of all the sand.) And sand boarding may have been the first extreme sport I've mildly enjoyed. Imagine snow boarding but on sand dunes (I had never heard of it before either!)

I imagine, nope, I know that Jesus did not have a buggy to take him into the desert of the Judean wilderness. His journey there would be hot, dry and boring. Coming directly off the heels of his baptism, Jesus quickly ran into spiritually deep waters of a forty day fast and temptation by the devil. (Matthew 3:13-4:2) 

Why?  There's a Talmudic saying, "If you want to get rich go North, if you want to get wise go South." In Israel, the north is filled with fertile soil perfect for the growing of lush gardens and olive groves (pass the EVOO please!). Not to mention the Sea of Galilee where fishermen pull in nets of tilapia. If you want to get rich in Israel that's where all of your resources lie. But in the south is the Judean wilderness. But it's not the woods or the timber (for all you Iowans!). It's the desert. And after his baptism in the Jordan River, Jesus heads south. Presumably for wisdom. 

                                                  The place of Jesus' temptation. 

Often we think of Jesus' 40 day fast as a time of weakening of our Savior. But in reality it was the place where he was drawing wisdom and strength to overcome the devil and pursue his mission to save humanity which he had become a part of.  Christ's overcoming of these temptations was also a forshadowing of Satan's ultimate defeat at the cross. Additionally it serves as a sequel to a battle humanity had already lost. In the garden of Eden long ago, Eve and Adam were tempted by Satan and failed, choosing their own glory over God's. 

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'? You will not surely die," the serpent said, "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God..." 

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her and he ate it." (Genesis 3:1, 4-6)

Adam and Eve failed the test. But Jesus did not. 

"After fasting forty days and forty nights, he (Jesus) was hungry." (Matthew 4:2)

I need to pause there only because the humanity of Jesus, is so evident here. He was HUNGRY. Actually I'm pretty sure he was probably HANGRY (You know, hungry plus angry=HANGRY. That place where anything tastes good and you can't think, and your sole focus is getting to a sandwich, quick?) If Jesus felt THAT, he had to of felt the full weight of the temptations about to come his way and every other human inadequacy. His full divinity synchronized with his full humanity is mind blowing. 

"The temptor came to him and said, 'If you are the Son of God tell these stones to become bread." (Vs. 3)

                

 

Cruel. But not unusual. Satan presses Jesus' divinity against his humanity. God called him on a mission to be human, to save humans and now Satan tells him to forget his mission, forget those he came to save, give in and do what he tells him to do instead. Choose himself. Don't live sacrificially, don't obey God's call on your life. Choose comfort. EAT! 

But Jesus didn't indulge, he "took captive every thought to make it obedient." (2 Corinthians 10:5b) "Eat? Who needs to eat? I thrive on the God," He tells him. Two more times, Christ is tested with the opportunity to choose himself over God's mission and glory. 

This is the same test that Adam failed so long ago, and we too have failed it. Adam chose his own glory over God’s. In that moment, static filled the space between man and God and it became increasingly hard to know how the Father wanted him to live. And so, there needed to be a solution. That solution would be one who could pass the test and offer new life once and for all. Jesus is that one and he is our hope. Because Hope is on the scene life doesn't have to be the same and we can live in open communication with God. Hope has come and Hope has passed the test. 

A desert is often used to describe a time in one's life that feels devoid of meaning, yet full of strife. Because Jesus came and Jesus not only past the tests in the desert but ultimately conquered over sin and death, we have hope in our own deserts, whether that be health problems, marriage tensions, death of loved ones, or job losses. You could be in a season of life that feels purposeless, or just more difficult than you imagined. Whatever desert you are in, be in it and know that there is hope because Jesus has overcome it all. Also, realize that the desert is a place for gaining wisdom and strength.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirirt, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5) 

HOPE does not disappoint. Jesus does not disappoint. Our deserts are fruitful for gaining wisdom if we embrace them, and persevere through them so that our character looks more and more like Jesus, our Hope. They don't feel good, but it's there that we too we will be strengthened in our walk with God so that we may complete the purpose for which God has placed us here: to love him and to love others. 

Matt Chandler said that there are two types of people in the world, those that are suffering and those that are going to encounter suffering in the future. Everyone goes into the desert of life at some point or another. And in that place and time, will you succumb to the devil's temptation to live hopelessly for yourself, your own comfort and your own glory? No. Rejoice, following Jesus' example trust God for your purpose and mission in life even in the desert. Be comforted and guided by His truth in scripture and give Him glory when you come out of it wiser, looking evermore like Jesus.