Rock, paper, scissors is a great way to ensure laughter and excitement overwhelm the "blahs" of parenthood. But obviously it doesn't make the cut for the tricky question of how to determine God's will for your life and future. Many of you know by now that our family is relocating to a new city in Iowa where Kyle will be working as a Youth Pastor at Christ Community Church in Ames. We are also expecting our third child in March/April (Due date is March 30th but let's be real, it's probably going to be like April 10th with my track record!) These are two things we did not have even an inkling of at the beginning of this year. And though the baby was not planned, it was an obedient choice (which I'll explain the weirdness of that statement soon.) So how did we come to decide on moving and having another kid? We believe it is what the Lord is asking us to do. Ready to find out how we came to that decision? (No, it's not rock, paper, scissors!)
Well let's start with this baby shall we? It's a vulnerable subject but I think the fact that I'm ready to publish it on this blog shows the kind of healing I've experienced this year. I have not hid the fact that 1. I HATE being pregnant and 2. That we were NOT going to have a third child. The reason for this is because I have experienced emotional turmoil with pregnancy due to hormone changes in my body that we liken to many physical complications that often keep couples from having more children. Many know about post-partum depression and baby blues, but from the research I've found, what I experienced is dubbed as perinatal anxiety mood disorder. (Boy, that is scary to admit! But I know I'm not the only one, so I am going to figuratively shout it from the rooftops if this helps someone else!) You can look it up, but think depression, anxiety, and anger on top of normal pregnancy junk. It's not fun. And it makes itself known in pregnancy and then up to 2 years after you give birth. YAY! (Sarcasm)
So having a third just seemed out of the question. Until about February of this year, I attended a women's conference, where I led worship. And while I was singing and throughout the whole conference, I would feel a gentle tug at my heart for a third baby (something I had obviously let go of awhile ago.) Pushing it aside, I would hear that same cry as I spent time in prayer over the next couple weeks (not necessarily praying about that topic at all at that time-I was actually praying about the emotional issues I was experiencing.) I began wondering if God was speaking and not just my emotions. So then I did begin talking to Him about it. As I prayed, I told God he was going to have to convince Kyle's. It was May before I brought it up. To my utter surprise he enthusiastically said yes (which is a miracle if you understood what my prego emotions had put him through!) Still, I knew saying yes to God meant taking on a burden I wasn't sure I was prepared to handle. My moods and anxiety were so bad with the other pregnancies that I knew I would have to trust God for every moment and detail of those 9 months (ok, 10 really. No, more like next 3 years!) A choice of obedience and trust, but definitely not planned.
3 days before we found out I was pregnant, Kyle got a call from Ames with a request that we consider a position he had not applied for. We weren't looking to move or change in place of ministry. I'm not going to lie. My heart screamed, "No! Absolutely not." I was not ready to leave my friends and the comfort of a home we seemed to have just settled into and made "ours." To leave what felt like unfinished ministry. (Even though, realistically, ministry doesn't really have an end until the coming of Christ, right?)
But you know, I like control. I'm a control freak. With Jesus that is something I've decided I have to give up. I talk about being on God's great adventure. And there are thrills and excitement and goodness to it. But doing hard things and making Godly choices seem to go hand in hand. Going where God calls us even when it's not convenient, comfortable or sometimes even reasonable is difficult. Yet like all adventure, there is risk and there is sacrifice. You don't climb Mount Everest without the understood possibility of death at worst, or it taking a lot of time at best.
In Matthew 10, Jesus tells the disciples to go to the cities of Israel preaching repentance. Jesus is no bones about that fact that it will be difficult, encouraging them to be "shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves" because "All men will hate you" and "they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you." (1) Later He says,"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (2) One of my more shallow reasons for not wanting to leave was because I love our home. God spoke to my heart through scripture about this saying "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy...But store up up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (3) I also worried tremendously about the financial struggle having a baby AND moving would cause us. Then I looked upon the framed painted scripture (I made in Bible camp as a child) that hangs on my daughter's wall: "Seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (For God knows you need these things...)" (4) When God calls us to do something, it doesn't guarantee ease of passage. But we are guaranteed his care and provision for us when our priority is his mission and not our own desires. And any struggle I experience is no where near as great as what good things come as a result of obedience to Jesus. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (5)
When we began this process of discerning God's will we prayed, listened and sought the counsel of mature believers and fellow ministers. But in the end, the truth of scripture was our standard for determining the wisest decision. Relying on emotions, others or even our own intellect and common sense alone to determine the will of God is dangerous. All should measured against the words of the Bible. Being obedient to God's will is nearly as difficult discerning it. And control over our lives is hard to let go of...
I'll finish with a story. There was a farmer who bought a plot of land and planted his crops. Then he rented the farm to some tenants who would care for it while he was away on a trip. When the harvest came he sent some workers to collect his grain. But the tenants treated the workers terribly, even killing one of them! This time the farmer sent police to the farm, but the tenants were brutal with them too. Finally, the farmer sent his son, who knew the tenants well, thinking, surely they would respect him? But the tenants thought, "let's get rid of of him too because he might come someday and take over the farm. Then what would we have?" So they killed him too. You can imagine the anger of the owner and what he will do when he returns, right?? (Adapted from the parable of the tenants in Matthew 21:33-45). The tenants, though not the owners of the farm, began to assume THEY ought to be in control. They wanted all of the authority though they did not own the farm at all. They were simply tenants doing the work of the owner who bought them at a price!
Wanting to control our lives is a sneaky sin. We are not our own. We were lovingly bought at a price. God alone should be the authority of our lives. The ultimate Rock, Paper, Scissors if you will. Through prayer, scripture and the affirmation of other believers we determine the will of God. But make no mistake, determining it is only half the battle. Obedience is not always easy either. And though it genuinely hurts to say good-bye, to feel unfinished in a place, to choose the sacrifice entailed in a third child we open our hands to release control and follow Jesus wherever he leads, not out of fear, but for love of the Savior that sacrificed all for us.
Through waters uncharted,
My soul will embark,
I'll follow your voice straight into the dark.
And if from the course you intend I depart,
Speak to the sails in my wondering heart.
Like the wind you guide,
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea.
Like the stars your word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going.
Lost in the shadows,
Amidst fear and fog,
Your truth is a compass that points me back North.
Jesus my captain,
My soul's trust Lord,
All my allegiance is rightfully yours.
- Benjamin Hastings, Seth Simmons of Hillsong
"In his heart a man plans his course,
But the Lord determines his steps."
Psalm 16:9
(1) Matthew 10:16, 22, and 17
(2) Matthew 10:39
(3) Matthew 6:19
(4) Matthew 6:32-33
(5) 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
Excellent, thoughtful, and challenging!
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